This Funny (Two) Weeks in Funny Tweets: December 28, 2018
An update to yesterday's tweet re the letter I received from an anonymous, judgy-mcjudgyface neighbor who disapproved of my dragon display and asked me to consider removing them: I have added more dragons. pic.twitter.com/OxsFQs5yQ1— Diana Rowland (@dianarowland) December 16, 2018
DIE HARD (R) Years after a tragedy an LAPD sergeant experiences the miracle of taking another life on Christmas Eve. pic.twitter.com/x7J9ABaguj— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) December 16, 2018
BATMAN: Aquaman! The bad guys are getting away!— chirs; (@chrislockefun) December 16, 2018
AQUAMAN: Try to make them go in the water!
BATMAN: What? No. I can't.
AQUAMAN: I'll be in the water. Let me know.
A woman shouted "Rihanna would fucking hate you!" at her friend from across the bar and the friend instantly burst into sobs. This bar already earned its cover charge.— Ben Philippe (@gohomeben) December 16, 2018
The LOST Donald Trump Talk Show Pilot— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) December 16, 2018
Before the 2016 election, Mr. T made a pilot for an @nbc talk show geared at followers of his Twitter account. But instead of getting a show on NBC, he unfortunately became prez of the USA.
Enjoy "@realDonaldTrump: The Television Show!" pic.twitter.com/0NCjCLG9cw
The British Museum Visitors Guide is like a catalogue of the world's stolen shit.— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu) December 15, 2018
cop: are you sure your identity's been stolen— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 16, 2018
When ur dad is a VFX artist pic.twitter.com/09aLnWgExi— Carl Forrest (@CarlForrest) December 16, 2018
The LeBron of white supremacists. pic.twitter.com/ro9Ho5SOSO— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) December 16, 2018
Instead of mocking Stephen Miller's spray-on hair, we should be working to stop his vile policies.— Z (@surlyZ) December 16, 2018
Whoa. Just saw the hair. We can multitask.
man, let me tell you something https://t.co/64hTmYDlmt— Abraham Lincoln (@Abradamnlinkon) December 17, 2018
This is an actual meme from the Russian troll farm, in which Jesus counsels someone addicted to masturbation:— Chris Hayes (@chrislhayes) December 17, 2018
"Reach out to me and we will beat it together."
Legendary Drummer pic.twitter.com/BuJ6JiAp3f— Enlargeyournerd (@Enlargeyournerd) December 17, 2018
Oh, piss off. https://t.co/DohNNW2Fcp— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) December 17, 2018
*a glass shatters on the dance floor*— Elvish on a Shelvish (@_ElvishPresley_) December 17, 2018
me: uh oh
*Footloose starts to play*
me: oh no
*people kick off their Sunday shoes*
me: OH NO
PIZZA GUY: You're total is $26.34— Consider John Frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) December 18, 2018
ME: I can't afford that
PIZZA GUY: Well you'll have to pay some other way
ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars
PORN DIRECTOR: Cut
Holy Hell, it really happened. pic.twitter.com/KlwtQLLGjl— Shawn "Seven Swans a Swimming" Kelley (@swanofthedab) December 19, 2018
Dudes named James have so much pressure at an early age. Will they stick with the nerdy name james, or go by the business casual name Jim, or the sporty outgoing Jimmy, or the feminine gentle name Jamie, or be super goofy and go by Jimbo— gregg (@Gregggyboy) December 19, 2018
I couldn't vote for Beto for president cause I don't ever want a bass player to have that much power— Hutch Harris (@InstantAnxiety) December 20, 2018
If you're concerned that Facebook let Netflix and Spotify access your private messages and basically sold your private data to all the tech giants without your consent, just wait until you see what 23andMe and Ancestry will do with your genetic information sometime soon.— Eugene Gu, MD (@eugenegu) December 19, 2018
whoever keeps screaming "oh god fuck me aquaman" needs to keep it down because my wife is trying to take a bath— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) December 20, 2018
Your stripper name is your mom's stripper name plus "jr.".— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) December 20, 2018
Trump's Best Words (2018) pic.twitter.com/nC3bxj23sq— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) December 19, 2018
I love washroom keys. Love having to ask for them, love holding them in my bare hand, love the extra time it takes to get into the bathroom, love sheepishly handing them back after I've used it. Just great all around.— James Hartnett (@jameshartnett) December 19, 2018
Any one of us would be lucky to be remembered like this. https://t.co/CzaL2HdcRq— ian karmel (@IanKarmel) December 21, 2018
Wolf: "Calm down a minute, we don't have to yell" 😂 pic.twitter.com/1nnQKeMty0— Rebecca Buck (@RebeccaBuck) December 20, 2018
[Strip Club]— Candy Cane Shank 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) December 20, 2018
WOMAN: Lap dance?
ME: Sure. Those pearls are pretty. My mom has some just like that.
WOMAN: Honey, you look tired. You married yet?
Kinda scary when everyone says, "There goes the last voice of reason...'Mad Dog'."— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) December 21, 2018
Not this year son of a bitch! pic.twitter.com/e8mkzh6huL— DEON COLE (@deoncole) December 21, 2018
Just 10 days ago: "I am proud to shut down the government for border security ... I will take the mantle. I will be the one to shut it down. I won't blame you for it." https://t.co/dwF5G2Hj9j— Renato Mariotti (@renato_mariotti) December 21, 2018
A story in four acts. pic.twitter.com/d7EFAyKvhq— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) December 22, 2018
the 5 types of xmas songs:— BrendanCByrne (@BrendanCByrne) December 23, 2018
- look, snow!
- i want shit
- santa's horny
- let's all get schnackered
- the birth of christ has ushered in a new age and no man shall taste eternal death
Here's a girl doing THE MACARENA during the sinners prayer at my parents church pic.twitter.com/qV79goKf0I— christian sudd (@cnsudd1110) December 23, 2018
Hi, it's me, your weird gay aunt. I'm coming to Christmas in my Subaru while drinking an unsweetened espresso beverage and listening to a podcast about the sinking of the Lusitania. I got you books.— Carmen Maria Machado (@carmenmmachado) December 24, 2018
im gonna pass out pic.twitter.com/Pj9WOQ2zVm— hallmark channel's countdown to caitmas (@chaeronaea) December 25, 2018
so my brother left his ipad recording under the christmas tree so he could catch santa and..... this is what he actually caught pic.twitter.com/UxNnEXJFHG— ً (@lntolisa) December 25, 2018
I cannot give you a better gift than these reviews of Trump's trash ornament, happy holidays ❤️ pic.twitter.com/Urj6h9mlYG— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 25, 2018
SHIT! I FORGOT JUNIOR'S BIRTHDAY!— God (@TheTweetOfGod) December 25, 2018
If there's a lull in your dinner convo it's fun to say 'There's a lot riding on this meal.'— Sara Hennessey (@sara_hennessey) December 26, 2018
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) December 26, 2018
OLD MAN ROBS ME— Woodrow Peel (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) December 26, 2018
MUGGER: Give me your money!
ME: I don't carry money. I use Apple Pay.
MUGGER: How does it work?
*30 mins later*
MUGGER: Show me again.
Overheard: "The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels."— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) December 26, 2018
Best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: "Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms."— Andy Baio (@waxpancake) December 26, 2018
CAPTCHA verifications are so unfair. Like, what if a cool robot wants to buy tickets to see Wu-Tang in concert? Is that so wrong?— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 27, 2018
Barista: Medium latte for "Youcan Pulloffbangs"— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) December 28, 2018
Me: Thank you so much!
Barista: You're not supposed to—
Me: I just needed to hear it.
Wet bangs are a ticking time bomb. You have three minutes to get your shit together or you're Gary Busey for the day.— Tiffany (@ladystardust56) December 28, 2018