This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 24, 2019
August 17
Jay Z could open a private prison and y'all would say at least Hov running it.
— Brotha B (@BlakeDontCrack) August 17, 2019
My man babying my mean ass pic.twitter.com/zdQ59kwiI5
— ur mommy ♡ (@trulymommy) August 17, 2019
Because you'd wake up 128 miles from where your car is? https://t.co/MoOj0o3WO8
— Brooks Wheelan (@brookswheelan) August 17, 2019
The Oscar for best death or dying by a duck goes to. pic.twitter.com/FK2fs7bM8S
— jamie (@gnuman1979) August 18, 2019
Look at this fucking pervert. https://t.co/q3VXbQfRKB
— todd levin (@toddlevin) August 18, 2019
We should stop saying "antifa" and use the whole word, "antifascist," so people really have to hear how they sound when they talk about it like that's a bad thing to be
— Lilly Dancyger (@lillydancyger) August 18, 2019
SNL Cold Open Pitch:
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) August 18, 2019
- Epstein's cell
- Alec Baldwin comes in and says tremendous
- Epstein comes back to life and it is Kate McKinnon
- Mueller comes in and it is De Niro
- they all sing Old Town Road
- saxophone
August 18
THE FIVE STAGES OF CLIMATE CHANGE
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) August 19, 2019
1. Denial
2. Guilt
3. Depression
4. Acceptance
5. Drowning
He read pic.twitter.com/3dy9EzK6TM
— Cats 🐈 (@bestcataccount) August 18, 2019
What in the Mountain Dew meth fuck is going on here pic.twitter.com/NoSujRN9su
— Michael (@TheCensoredRock) August 19, 2019
*guy listens to kanye west AND indie bands* dam...... i should probably be a professional music journalist. wow
— Brandon Wardell (@BRANDONWARDELL) August 18, 2019
August 19
... y'all good? https://t.co/lPaTFXfnyP
— Popeyes Chicken (@PopeyesChicken) August 19, 2019
they don't eat the fucking baby Ashley https://t.co/D7Hybk4t0t
— salfords hardest man (@zach2302) August 19, 2019
This is how the Oxford Comma debate ends 😂 https://t.co/uDMNNGyn0f
— Natalie Brown (@NatalieBrownFL) August 19, 2019
men hitting on a painting pic.twitter.com/QW9BUpeYP5
— Kitty Wenham (@kittywenham) August 19, 2019
I am so, so sorry https://t.co/0HEsTktMXo pic.twitter.com/9LBXGnAfzo
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) August 20, 2019
(DMX describing a Mario Batali outfit)
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 19, 2019
Crocs!
Socks!
Button down, chronograph watch
Oh
No pic.twitter.com/MrNudiYW9V
Larry Joe's vision.🍀
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 19, 2019
Never forget...💪🏀😏 pic.twitter.com/vlBtmf8t5b
Dominate a crocodile pic.twitter.com/goUf0cV9xl
— Instant Regret (@lnstant_Regret) August 19, 2019
Everytime, someone leaves the roll empty, I do this😉 pic.twitter.com/7OOY6ksEzt
— MS.SASSY ASS🔥🖤(ghost keeper💖) (@KellyA29879564) August 19, 2019
August 20
Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example:
— ᎽᎪᎬᏞ (@elle91) August 21, 2019
My friend is late.
My period is late.
Before someone wrote the Happy Birthday song, people would just stare silently at you while you spit on a cake
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) August 20, 2019
why do older millenials talk like babys what the fuck is "i did a thing" bitch ill kill you
— ada wrong (@queefape) August 21, 2019
we should split bathrooms by pee vs poop instead of men vs women
— frong (@frogluvrboy) August 20, 2019
bruuuuuuh. the blanket-water. this shit fire. https://t.co/5iDZTttVsP
— Audrey II. (@themakeda) August 21, 2019
There is still NOTHING and NOBODY funnier than Jack Handey:
— Hunter Collins (@Hunter_Collins) August 21, 2019
Recent Articles of Mine https://t.co/eaU6FWltUg
FLINCHING IS A SUPERPOWER AND A SURVIVAL MECHANISM NOT AN INDICATOR OF FEAR OR WEAKNESS
— Jason Ritter 🦋 (@JasonRitter) August 20, 2019
And I'll keep saying it until everyone at my summer camp in 1991 GETS IT scott https://t.co/sNBdUysTja
People are always saying how pit bulls are so ..... pic.twitter.com/DDxkMkN7Ii
— JC (@jc45cast) August 20, 2019
August 21
The front page of the NYT right now looks like one of those pre-election parodies about what a Trump administration would be like. pic.twitter.com/hyKwjvKROt
— Michelle Goldberg (@michelleinbklyn) August 21, 2019
In all seriousness, what was the point of Article 25 if it wasn't to protect against Presidents who think they're King of the Jews and want to buy Greenland? What other sign do you need?
— Stephen Marche (@StephenMarche) August 21, 2019
My mans dad tried the Popeyes chicken sandwich for the first time, this was his reaction @jvo_denn15jr pic.twitter.com/nTxuBcPprv
— Manziel𓅓 (@showtime_steve3) August 21, 2019
If Barack Obama looked to the sky and said 'I'm the chosen one', even as a joke(which this wasn't), everyone at Fox News would look like they just peeked inside the Ark of the Covenant. https://t.co/bfxkxWkL44
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) August 21, 2019
This might be the best review of anything I've ever read https://t.co/0CoUpv3j4W
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) August 22, 2019
If you look the same direction as your opponent points, you lose.. 😂 pic.twitter.com/gsWXIkxcU5
— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) August 21, 2019
We learn in med school that if someone comes to the emergency room calling themselves the King of Israel and the second coming of God, that patient is either high on drugs or is having a psychotic break and needs to be promptly evaluated with a tox screen and psychiatric consult.
— Eugene Gu, MD (@eugenegu) August 21, 2019
ideally, you want the King of the Jews and the guy who literally called Nazis "very fine people" to be two different people
— Jeff Tiedrich (@itsJeffTiedrich) August 21, 2019
August 22
President Steve Brule https://t.co/ujyowl8NUK
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 22, 2019
Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
— Baked Amanda (@theconradical) August 22, 2019
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no
I can't stop thinking about this sexy ass burger pic.twitter.com/PDu5mHL7zo
— Traitor Joe (@joeydg54) August 23, 2019
sorry to hear about your girlfriend pic.twitter.com/71EbMaghEe
— mark (@kept_simple) August 22, 2019
This MF knows he podcasts from a garage, right? https://t.co/gD3T9xljq6
— Curtis Cook (@Curtis_Cook) August 22, 2019
bad news from the thrift store pic.twitter.com/FNLma0IBo3
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) August 22, 2019
July 21, 2017.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) August 22, 2019
Meant to be a joke because in my mind ABC would never normalize such an incredibly horrible person. https://t.co/3WgBD0G3x6
Accidentally giving your mom the middle finger pic.twitter.com/Qfk3TsfkJW
— Instant Regret (@lnstant_Regret) August 23, 2019
August 23
Okay. The definitive top ten list of modern people who have done the most damage to America:
— Matthew Chapman (@fawfulfan) August 23, 2019
1. Rupert Murdoch
2. Mitch McConnell
3. Charles Koch
4. David Koch
5. Donald Trump
6. George W. Bush
7. Ronald Reagan
8. Newt Gingrich
9. Clarence Thomas
10. Antonin Scalia
when someone passes away, no matter who it is, it's a time for mourning. it's not the time to discuss things like whether they "destroyed the entire planet" and "ushered in an American cultural dark age that has permanently poisoned our collective soul." RIP David Koch
— Law Boy, Esq. (@The_Law_Boy) August 23, 2019
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT I'VE SEEN ALL WEEK LMFAOOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/zgGmPXwt4e
— BJ ®🕊 (@BASEDJESUS) August 23, 2019
Don't think Bernie Sanders is effective? He released his climate plan yesterday and ALREADY David Koch is dead
— David Spector (@spectordeforce) August 23, 2019
Girls, bruh...💪🏀😍😂🤣😭 pic.twitter.com/so92UzVUd6
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 23, 2019